Feb 13 2007
Why do so many questions start off with the parents story of infertility?
I notice often, when people looking into adoption or who have adopted, or adoptees speaking of their adoptive parents or references to people who have adopted, the story is often told of their struggle to have children on their own.
Why is this? Why is it about their infertility?
That tells me 1) they wouldn’t have chosen adoption if they had children on their own
2) they didn’t look into adoption for the benefit of the child
3) they’re not looking at it from the adoptees point of view or else they wouldn’t be introducing themselves as people who have struggled with infertility.
Does anybody else see the irony in this? Does it bother anyone else? Do you think adoption will ever be about the child?
*Disclaimer*
( i am not meaning “all” adoptions are like this, some aren’t, for the ones that are, that is what I’d like to discuss. I realize that there are some people who looked into foster care adoption to generally help a child, I realize not all ap’s are infertile. This question is directed to those using infertility as a crutch to justify adoption )
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17 responses so far
Maybe because AP’s (especially here) feel they need to justify their reasons for wanting to adopt to others. Maybe they feel the need to meet with the approval of people here. You know, the ones who feel like they get to question everyone’s motives. The ones who report answers that don’t meet with their approval, or questions that are asking for information on how to begin the adoption process, but aren’t worded quite correctly enough for some here, and then get deleted.
ETA: Besides, are you asking because you want to know, or just to start a debate?
Is that really productive?
Probably for the same reason why every adoptee has to start their Q&A with “I LOVE my adoptive parents, but…” or else we will get drawn and quartered and labeled with the “angry, bitter, had a bad life” diatribe.
Why does anyone have to justify their choice? Look, here’s the thing, most people want to have children. Most people assume that they will be able to conceive their own children and are heartbroken when they can’t. Adoption is an alternative but let’s be honest, when people are contemplating parenthood, it is NEVER really about the child. It’s about whether or not you want to be a parent. How you get the child is really kind of beside the point. This isn’t to say that there aren’t a lot of problems with the process, but really, you guys are raising non issues. To question why an infertile couple chose adoption is like asking non adoptive parents chose to have children at all. It’s the desire to be parent that spurs both scenarios.
Probably the same reason some people feel the need to post *disclaimers* on their questions. (Seriously)
People think that by explaining MORE about their issue/question they will stop other people from jumping to conclusions and assuming something that they don’t want people to assume or hear something that they’ve heard already.
For instance, if someone came in here and asked about adoption, some will answer with why not just have your “own” baby and not contribute to the horrible adoption market? Then there would be a desire to bring up that issue that they didn’t want to bring up in the first place… their infertility. But this time it would be in a defensive manner rather than a proactive manner.
EDT:
1) they wouldn’t have chosen adoption if they had children on their own
YOU MEAN BIOLOGICAL, RIGHT? AN ADOPTED CHILD IS THEIR OWN CHILD, TOO.
2) they didn’t look into adoption for the benefit of the child
THE GENERAL PUBLIC BELIEVES THAT ADOPTION IS BENEFITTING THE CHILD.
3) they’re not looking at it from the adoptees point of view or else they wouldn’t be introducing themselves as people who have struggled with infertility.
YOU’RE NOT LOOKING AT IT FROM THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS POINT OF VIEW- OR ARE YOU AN ADOPTIVE PARENT? I FORGET.
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How the heck do people think providing a reason for why they want to adopt = why people think they’re entitled? Everyone has a reason to everything they do in life. In the USA, we have the right to pursue happiness for any reason… it does not mean youare entitled to other’s happiness.
Because when a couple or a woman chooses to get pregnant they/ she desires to be a “parent”. Why aren’t they questioned for bringing a child into the world ? What gives them the right to have desires, it should be about that unborn child only and not them at all. Why does that expectant mother enjoy those feelings of being pampered by her partner when she says “go get me that Reese pieces icecream from DQ.I am craving for it” What right does she have to enjoy her pregnancy and desires of a pregnant woman ? She should only think of that unborn child when she eats!
Same way a couple that have faced infertility have every right to turn to adoption to meet their desire to parent.
If a fertile woman has the right to her desires to be a parent , so does a infertile woman !!
What you don’t seem to understand is those desires to parent a child don’t clash with the childs need. Those ofcourse that are placed for adoption obviously.
I agree and am equally confused. The top reasons, according to a Time Magazine Article about 2 years ago, for infertility are:
1. Aging out
2. Undiagnosed Sexually transmitted diseases
3. Obesity
None of those are things that I would be eagerly splashing all over the place as if it made me better than the unworthy, unwashed woman whose baby I desire. Seems that the only shameful thing is the visible evidence of sexuality, an unwed pregnancy.
As long as money is involved it will be about the money. The principle of supply and demand is nowhere more in evidence than in adoption. When people are plunking down a substantial chunk of change for something, they expect to get what they pay for. You don’t pay BMW prices for a used Kia Rio.
Yes.
I find it ironic that they say most people chose to adopt for every other reason other than infertility but yet almost all of them admit they chose to adopt because of infertility.
I do believe some Aps have adopted to help children but the majority did it for themselves. Just look at the long wait list for their specific choices.
I think it will be about the child when the child is able to choose the parent and the current system is reformed.
Me thinks some of yous need to be educated on the issues: The most common problems that prevent a woman becoming pregnant are:
Ovulatory problems
If you can’t get pregnant because you have problems ovulating, it means that your ovaries are either not releasing eggs at all or not releasing them regularly. This problem is very common. About one-third of women who can’t get pregnant have problems with ovulation.
Early Menopause
The menopause is when your ovaries stop releasing eggs. It happens to all women, normally between the ages of 45 and 55, but some women begin the menopause earlier.
Low hormone levels
A small number of women make too little or none of the two hormones that make ovulation happen. This can happen if you lose a lot of weight or if you have a condition called anorexia, or can happen for no known reason.
Damaged or blocked tubes
About 15 percent of women who haven’t been able to get pregnant have damaged or blocked fallopian tubes. These are the tubes that connect your ovaries to your womb. If your tubes are damaged or blocked, eggs won’t be able to reach the womb.
Endometriosis
About 1 in 20 women who can’t get pregnant have a condition called endometriosis. The endometrium is the lining of the womb. In a woman with endometriosis, the cells that normally grow in the endometrium are growing in other places outside the womb. Doctors aren’t sure why endometriosis lowers the chances of a woman getting pregnant. It may affect the quality of the egg, damage the sperm, cause scarring, or make it more difficult for the ***** to fertilise the egg.
Fibroids
These are large, benign growths some women have in their womb. Fibroids may sometimes stop a fertilised egg implanting or growing in the womb. Doctors don’t know why fibroids happen but they may be caused by changes in levels of hormones.
If these women feel like they want to say why their looking into adoption so be it. I don’t know why it would bother others so much. Seems quite ridiculous to me.
Kudos to Kristy (as usual) Elodie, supercal, and Sharon M.
Why is no one “judged” for wanting to be parents, just because they are fertile, but people who are infertile ARE.
I had the best mother, but I am well aware that she conceived and bore me because she WANTED to be a mother.. because she WANTED more than just a little boy.. because she hoped she could get a little girl to complete her perfect american family..
So what? Did that make her a crappy mother? I’l kick anyone’s **** who dares argue with me that I have the BEST mother, most perfect angel/saint that God ever created as a parent.. I don’t care WHY she had me.. I just cared how she treated me, loved me, raised me.. is that okay with you???
Is the only “okay” time to decide to be a parent when you have a “WHOOPS!!” night?? Ridiculous
Am I more or less “worthy” of adopting because I’ve known about my completely incureable infertility since I was 16, and I WON’T be spending years trying to conceive?? Is someone fertile more “worthy” to adopt??
The thing people like you need to realize is that the needs/best interest of a child don’t necessarily have to CONFLICT with the “Greedy infertile’s” desire to be parents, if it’s done right.
Sly…Tish…excuse my language… but shut up
err… I guess I don’t fit the “stereotype” of the fat, procrastinating, STD-infected infertile…. seeing as I have saved myself for marriage, and my infertility is from a genetic condition that I received at conception.. I was just as infertile at 16 when I was trying to figure out why I hadn’t
started my period, as I was at 18, 20…25… and now.. Heh.. go figure..
and you think YOU guys are the only ones that want to puke at certain stereotypes…. (like maybe.. I dunno… the “careless tramp” stereotype given to women who have a child out of wedlock… hmmm? I mean.. .as long as we’re allowing ourselves to stereotype others.)
Nah… I LOVE the “STD, waited-too-long, obese” thing thrown around in my presence as the supposed “major causes” of infertility..
You enjoy helping recovering anorexics by telling them they’re starting to look a bit chunky?? Seem like the type..
I don’t understand, either. What does one person’s fertility or lack thereof have to do with another person’s pregnancy? Just because one person has struggled with fertility (regardless of the reason), that does not make them entitled to raise someone else’s child. Two separate people. They don’t even need to have anything to do with each other. The pregnant woman needs support to raise her baby, and the infertile person needs grief therapy. The two don’t ever even need to come in contact. The fact that these two completely different people, with completely different needs are shoved together by our society’s need for a “quick fix” is saddening.
I asked my mother that question once, that if she and my father had been able to have children of there own, would they still have adopted my sister and I and she said yes, she always knew she wanted to adopt. and perhaps because i am adopted i’ve always known that i want to adopt a child as well as have my own biologically, but i have recently learned that i may not be able to have my own, so i’m glad that i’ve always been open to adoption.
it’s rationale and justification for feeling entitled to a kid, gersh. many of these same women have achieved everything they wanted (career, education, travel, marriage) and feel as if they should have the kid too. when they can’t do it “the natural way” many feel as if they have the RIGHT to have one. nothing more and nothing less.
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also, among the reasons for infertility nicely posted in a link by *gasp* an reproductive endocrinology website, looking to bank on infertility, one (and the most prevalent) was missing-
AGE!
hell, if i waited until i completed my doctorate, traveled the world and got married before having kids, i probably would be crying infertile too. instead, i SACRAFIED (hey, how’s that for a concept) traveling in my 20s and partying; yet, completed college and grad school as a single mother. this happened before I got the cool job, traveled and bought the “big house.” it might have been the “prescibed” way..but, i got my education, my husband and …my OWN KIDS who were gestated in my uterus and birthed through my…nether regions.
perhaps if people didn’t chose to party, engage in unhealthy behavior, travel and **** away their fertility, they wouldn’t need to use infertility like a disease to justify adoption. life is about choice, folks… contrary to what feminism has sold us, we CAN’T HAVE IT ALL WHEN WE WANT IT.
ETA: another voice…telling sly and i to “shut up” is violating TOS…now, play nicely or you will be reported to the principal.
A lot of folks won’t even see the irony you mean to point out because it’s never occurred to them that adoption was supposed to be about homes for children who needed them, not kids for people who want them. Watch TV and you’ll learn that Adoption Stories always begin with a couple who wants a baby of their own very very much, never with a child who needs parents.
Besides, how else could an adoption story begin? My birth certificate is legal proof there was no me before I was adopted.
A few reasons that come to mind are:
1 – Compulsive need to explain why adoption is their second choice
2 – Attempt to gain sympathy from others, especially from those (imagined) hoards of “birthmothers” out there who are preggo with “unwanted” babies
3 – Preface to explain why they are extra special entitled to help themselves to someone else’s baby
Hi Gersh,
Wow, so many good answers already.
I fail to see what someone’s infertility has to do with whether or not a person is qualified to be a good parent. They might be, they might not be. Same as with natural parents. Fertility has nothing to do with parental ability, so I don’t see why the need to keep bringing it up. Most “Dear Birthmother” letters start off with “We tried for X number of years to have our own baby…so pick us, blah blah blah.” Comes across as going for the sympathy approach, or the we deserve your baby more approach.
And it doesn’t stop there. Most adoptee children want to hear the story of their own beginnnings. Why must those stories begin with “We couldn’t have a baby. We tried and tried. We went through this & that first.” Huh? That is not the ADOPTEE’S story. That is the AP’s story. The story of the adoptee’s life begins with his/her other parents.
Worth mentioning again because it’s still being brought up in this section – There is no right to adopt. There is a right to attempt to conceive your own children. Adoption is a privilege that must be earned through passing requirements. Adoption’s primary purpose is to serve the needs of children, not to fulfill the desires of the adults whatever their reasons may be. Sorry if that does not seem fair to those used to getting or buying everything they want. Adopting is different from raising children born to you.
Your last question is about whether adoption will ever be about the child. Changes are slowly happening as adoptees grow up, speak out, & awareness is spreading. The American system still needs some improvements to ensure that adoption is really about meeting the needs of the child first.
To sum up, yes I see the irony in the points you mentioned. Even more ironic is the fact that those to whom it applies, will not recognize themselves there. They still think it’s all about them. Thanks for asking.
julie j
reunited adoptee
WOW! I have never encountered so many Judgemental, Angry and Bigoted people. A few other’s have said it. When has parenting, biologically or adoptive ever been about the children. When you decide to have your own, your not thinking, wow there is this little unmade child sitting there just waiting for me, needing me to be it’s mom. No, you have a want/need to be a parent, to have that other person to give love to, and you become a parent. Some women can’t get pregnant, that doesnt mean that they are lurking behind a corner waiting to steal someone else’s baby. People adopt, because there are children who need parents for whatever reason they have been put in that situation. Does infertility make them any less deserving to be parents? At least they are making the concious decision to be parents, which means they are ready to love and care for a child. Rather than just because they didn’t use protection and got pregnant. Why do you feel the need to **** on people, for any reason? The reality is, people give up their children for many reasons. Selfless reasons, Selfish reasons. By choice, not by choice. People adopt children, because they can have kids, but don’t want to bring their own into the world when there is a child who needs a parent anyway, or because they can’t and there is a child who needs a parent anyway. get off your high horse anyway. poeple adopt, because whether we like it or not, for whatever reason there are children who do not have parents, and adoption is there to satisfy both needs.
For some women, being pregnant is something they need to do to feel complete. Not being able to get pregnant after years of procedures, and losses is very painful, it makes you feel inadequate. The couple who go through all kinds of treatments and then turns to adoption still want that child just as much as a couple who decides to adopt whether or not they are fertile. People sometimes just have the need to explain themselves.